A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
