If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
