You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
