ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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