Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
