I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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