Walk of Shame. In a state park.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
