i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Of course I have a pirate flag
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
