What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
