he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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