I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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