So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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