Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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