Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
