i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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