We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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