you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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