i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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