Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
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Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
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Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.