I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
