Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my shit smells like andre
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
