Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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