I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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