I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
