It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
