Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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