All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
