So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
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he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
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I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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