you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
