Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
