i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
