i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
