Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
