I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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