and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
