Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
