chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
