So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
