Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
