I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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