Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
