we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
