we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
