Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
