overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
