Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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