i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
