Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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