at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
