You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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