Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
we're chasing vodka with high fives
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
