we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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