Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
