So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
