your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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